Sister Gertrudes Trip to Chicago

Columnist: Ronald Ayers

By Ronald Ayers

When I was a cadet at St. Benedicts Military Academy in Altoona Wisconsin back in 1955, Sister Gertrude, one of the nuns at the academy told me one afternoon about a trip she tried to take to Chicago.

Sister Gertrude said she went to the airport in Eau Claire Wisconsin where she sat down and waited for her flight. When she looked over in the corner of the waiting room, she saw one of those machines that tells your future.

“I’ figured I’d give it a try…you know see what the future held,” said Sister Gertrude, “just to see what the machine would tell me.”

So, Sister Gertrude goes over to the machine. She puts her nickel in the machine, and a card came out.

“The card said ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you’re going to Chicago, Illinois.’”

“I sat down, and thought about that. I figured the machine told everybody the same thing. I figured I’d try the machine again.”

So, Sister Gertrude goes over to the machine again and puts her nickel in it. A card comes out that reads.

“You’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to play a fiddle. I knew that was wrong”, said Sister Gertrude. ”I’ve never played a musical instrument in my life.”

Sister Gertrude said she sat back down and this Cowboy who, according to her looked just like John Wayne, comes and sets his fiddle case down next to her. Sister Gertrude picks up the fiddle and just started playing the most beautiful country barn dance music you could ever imagine.

“When I stopped playing the fiddle, I looked back at the machine. That little fortune telling machine was incredible. It was telling me about things I could do, before I could do them. I had to try it again.”

Sister Gertrude goes back to the machine, puts her nickel in, and another card comes out.

“You know what that card says?” says Sister Gertrude. “It says, you’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.
“Cadet Ayers. I knew that was wrong. I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life.”

Well, it seems as though Sister Gertrude tripped over the hem of her habit, fell off the fortune telling machine’s scales and FARTED like a jail house nigger that’s been eating pork and beans for the past six months.

Sister Gertrude said she sat back down and looked over at that machine again.

“That fortune telling machine was truly unbelievable.” Cadet Ayers. “I had to try it again.”

Back she goes to the machine. In goes another nickel. Out comes a card.

“This time the card tells me that ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to have SEX!’ That did it!” said Sister Gertrude. “I knew for sure the machine was the devil himself! I’m a nun. I knew I’d never had none, and I knew I was never gonna get none!”

Well, right about then, a huge electrical storm swept through the Eau Claire airport. The electricity goes off and Sister Gertrude gets raped in the darkness by the one legged beggar with the tin cup that always sat on the floor by the airport’s front door.

“After the rape, I sat back down and I got to thinking about all that had happened to me in that airport. Everything that had happened was truly, truly incredible. One thing I knew for certain. I had to try that machine again just to see what was going to happen to me before I left the airport.”

Sister Gertrude said she went back to the machine, put in her nickel. Pulled out a card.

“You know what that card said Cadet Ayers?”

“I’m afraid to imagine what was on that card Sister.” I said.

“The card says—You’re a nun—you weigh 128 pounds. You have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

Sister Gertrude never did make it to the Windy City.

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About Ronald Ayers

Ron Ayers is a freelance blogger and humor writer living in Blue Island, Illinois.
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